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I realized this weekend that I am pushing my own boundaries and comfort levels for the simple reason of raising my daughter to be the confident comfortable woman I wish I was. I don't think that I am mired in loathing. But I don't think that I am living the comfort level I present to the world.

But I am going to fake it till I make it.
Sometime I feel silly, sometime I worry that I am presenting this 'touchy feelie’ front to the world that I don't know if I am completely behind but I am doing things anyway. Thursday nights are Bryan's night out for himself. These nights have turned into Mama Thekla date night. We have been going out for sushi and cupcake. We almost always hit the natural pet store that has kitties for adoption to 'visit.' We saw a dog in the store that I noticed didn't have eyes and I asked the owner if it was okay to approach and pet. I saw it as a learning opportunity. This is where I really worried that I was coming off as a whackadoodle to the owner. But we petted the dog, who was a sweetheart which broke my heart. (As I got through really brief questioning to the owner that it was not born that way it was abuse.) I pointed out that the puppy didn't have eyes and had to use other senses to get around. I just really want Thekla to know that yes, everyone can be different but it's not bad, just different. And not to ostracize things and people that don't look or work the way you expect.

I also read another thing on Pinterest the other day that really got my ire up. It was some 'You want to lose weight, eat in front of the mirror naked and see how much you want to eat.' It implied a hatred of your own body that really pissed me off. I may not be shaped exactly how I dream I could be, but that doesn't automatically mean I hate it, or that I or it is a failure. My body is mine and I love that it gets me around, allows me to do so many things.. I thank my body for what it is. Could it do more? My body not without it's flaws and things that don't work the way it’s supposed to.. But it's mine. I want to teach Thekla to not hate her body at any shape or any size. I remember when I was mentoring changing with the girls (teens) and there was so much body shame. If there is anything that I can do to never let that set in on Thekla I am going to do it. I am going to take pictures of me, just as I am, not shoot for some other point in my life where I am thinner or different than I am right now. Because I am never going to get right now back. I have to appreciate it, because tomorrow will be a new day and new me. I am not going to wait to appreciate who I am till I am 'different' and more lovable or beautiful.. cause who is to say I'm not.. other than me.

And if others have shitty things to say.. or think I'm not beautiful, that is not my problem. And I want to teach her that it isn't hers. There is always going to be a skewed view of what is and isn't beautiful.. don't let others force their views and ideas on how you view yourself on you.

I am not going to say I always feel smart or beautiful or strong. But I am trying to feel that way. I am working ALL THE TIME to be the woman I want my daughter to grow to be.

Size 14/16 US

October 2012

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